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Erling Haaland eats cow hearts, liver and raw milk, and this summer the founder of America's loudest vegan doctors' group called it dirty fuel.

Standing first. Haaland is the most feared finisher in world football, a man who spent this summer leading Norway at their first World Cup finals since 1998, running on around 6,000 calories a day. He talks about the diet the way a farmer talks about feed: eating quality food that is as local as possible, he says, is the most important thing.

On his plate:

- Beef heart
- Liver
- Raw milk
- Beef

On the worry list of Neal Barnard, president of the Physicians Committee for Responsible Medicine:

- Saturated fat
- Cholesterol
- The arteries nobody can see

Barnard's case, made on his own organisation's podcast, runs like a car advert in reverse. An athlete burns fuel hard, the fuel has impurities, and a hard-driven engine with dirty fuel gets damaged. You can look extremely healthy on the outside, he said, and nobody can see how the arteries are doing.

That last line is the whole case. It is a guess about something hidden, offered against a body the entire planet watches for 90 minutes at a time.

Every piece of the dirty fuel is the stuff a human body is physically built from. The heart is the densest muscle food on an animal, the liver is its vitamin store, and the milk is what mammals feed their young when growth is the only job going. Haaland eats the parts of the animal his great-grandparents in rural Norway would have recognised, and his body does precisely what a body fed like that is meant to do.

The clean fuel theory has to speculate about arteries it has never seen. The dirty fuel is on the pitch every weekend, and you can watch it score.



Mike
 
I started carnivore six years ago following four rules the internet swore by. I've since dropped all four, and improved each time, which says something about the internet.

Rule one: you need salt and electrolytes. I salted everything and carried sachets like a man expecting to be shipwrecked. Then I stopped and braced for the cramps. They never came. Better sleep did, and better lifting. It turns out the body can manage its own water if you let it be thirsty first.

Rule two: you need liver to complete the diet. I ate it weekly for three years. A single helping carries more vitamin A and copper than the upper limit for a day, and it tastes bitter, which is nature's way of writing "steady on" across a food. My mouth objected the entire time. Eventually I listened, and I've felt better every year since.

Rule three: chicken is a health food. Chicken is a record of what the bird was fed, which is corn and soy, kept in the skin and the fat. Those are the only parts with any flavour. Remove them and you're eating a damp napkin with a protein claim.

Rule four: to get lean, cut the fat. I went the other way. Ribeye cap, 20% mince, butter on both, cream wherever it'll fit. When I want to tighten up, the menu stays exactly as it is and the clock moves. I eat later. Then I eat like a man who's been told it's free.

So that's no salt, no liver, no chicken and more butter.

Each of those rules had somebody selling it. A sachet, a capsule, a meal-prep tub, a cutting plan.

The diet that's left has nothing in it to sell, and it's the only version that ever worked.



Mike
 
I'm going to say something the food industry has kept quiet for fifty years, and if this account goes dark you'll know why. The answer to nearly every question about what to eat is four beef patties with butter on top.

What's a quick, healthy breakfast?
Four patties and butter.

What should I eat after the gym?
Four patties and butter.

What can I cook in ten minutes after work?
Four patties and butter.

What's a high-protein lunch that isn't a sad chicken salad?
Four patties and butter.

What can I afford this week?
Four patties and butter.

What will keep me full until dinner?
Four patties and butter. That was dinner.

What do I feed a teenager who is permanently starving?
Six. And more butter.

What about the bun?
The bun was there to hold it while you walked. Sit down.

What about vegetables?
Put the butter where the vegetables were going to go.

Isn't that a bit basic?
It's ground steak and cream fat. People pay £30 for that under a French name.

You can see why this has been suppressed. There's no cookbook in it, because it would be one page long. There's no app, no powder, no 12-week plan and no sequel. An entire industry of meal kits, protein bars and nutritionists with ring lights rests on you never finding out.

I've said it now. If anyone asks, you heard it from a man who was last seen near a frying pan.



Mike
 
California has two devout communities that shun tobacco and alcohol, and the one that eats the pot roast lives longer.

Seventh-day Adventists, Loma Linda:
- Tobacco: no
- Alcohol: no
- Meat: discouraged, many vegetarian
- Life expectancy: men 78.5, women 82.3
- Vegetarian members only: men 83.3, women 85.7

Devout Mormons, same state:
- Tobacco: no
- Alcohol: no
- Meat: yes, with gravy
- Life expectancy: men 84.1, women 86.1

The first group is an official Blue Zone, with the books, the cookery series and the documentary. The author who named it has since admitted that his editor told him to go and find one in America.

The second group has funeral potatoes and no film crew.

Even the strictest vegetarians in Loma Linda finish behind the Mormon who had the beef.

Both churches preach against the cigarette. Only one preaches against the roast, and it is the one that buries its men first.



Mike
 

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