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Ed Sheeran is distraught after the Macklemore backlash, so naturally he contacted the world’s biggest media organisation, Normal Island News, so he could set the record straight. I guess we can call it an Op-Ed 
My name is Ed Sheeran. You probably know my music from the last time a call centre kept you on hold, or because your grandma thinks I’m the coolest bloke on earth. I’m writing this piece because I’m the latest victim of cancel culture, and quite frankly, it’s bloody unfair to treat mega-rich people this way.
I’ve always believed that music should be kept free from politics, unless we’re talking about white kids in Ukraine. My concerts are sanctuaries where idiots lock arms while I sing about “pastries” and whatever other words I needed to make the song rhyme.
For years, I’ve been the world’s leading peddler of meaningless drivel, and until now, no one has dared point this out. This is because I’ve always seemed so harmless that it would be like punching a teddy bear.
But last week, my carefully crafted image was shattered when my friend of 13 years, Macklemore, decided to go on my stage and take a deeply hurtful position. He looked out at the kids in the crowd and uttered the shocking words: “All children deserve to live.”
As you can imagine, this hit me like a thunderbolt. Yes, Macklemore does this sort of thing every time he’s on stage, but I didn’t think he’d do it on my stage. I thought he understood my image needs to be protected more than anything else.
As a unifier, I occupy a sensible middle ground between children living and not living. You know the sort of thing I’m talking about—coma victims, kids getting amputations without anaesthetic, etc. I’m not automatically opposed to Israelis killing some children as long as they don’t kill too many. We wouldn’t want them to be disproportionate.
I just want a reasonable compromise, but Macklemore seems to think no children should be in comas or need amputations. He doesn’t even agree that Israel should’ve got a child-killing quota after 7 October.
Some of my stadium-owning friends told me that Macklemore’s point of view is inherently antisemitic. They gave me a choice: ditch my mate, or lose the venues. Naturally, I sided with the Epstein islanders. It was perfectly standard showbiz capitulation, yet somehow, the internet has decided that I am the villain.
As a result of my neutrality, my support acts dropped out of my tour, and even my backing band bailed on me. To make matters worse, my own family members ran to the press to explain that I’m a bit of a nob and my music is actually crap.
I was left so isolated that I had to walk into a stadium completely alone. I stood on stage in Philadelphia and told a massive crowd all about my suffering. My words came totally from the teleprompter, after going through a team of Zionist lawyers and the IDF Press Team. For some reason, people are saying that wasn’t heartfelt enough.
Things are so bad that my concert ticket prices have been cut in half. Meanwhile, Macklemore has been totally milking it. He’s gained about 7 million Instagram followers, whereas the only people still following me are hate-followers.
I turn my comments off every day now because people keep saying things like: “Hey Ed, your tattoos are crap” and “You’re living proof that gingers have no souls” and “We only have room for one shit artist in our life and we’ve chosen Macklemore.”
All this hatred, simply because I sacrificed someone to protect my mysteriously successful music career. Why the fuck would Macklemore do this to me? He wrote a whole song about Hind Rajab, but has he made a track about my suffering? No. And he’s had days now. Some friend he turned out to be.
It should be clear to any reasonable person that no one has suffered more than me since 7 October, apart from maybe Pink. All I ever wanted to do was write wedding songs for your most boring work mates and now I feel like I’ve been shot with 355 bullets.
***
Thank you for reading. You can check out the NIN newsletter here: normalisland.co.uk
Mike
My name is Ed Sheeran. You probably know my music from the last time a call centre kept you on hold, or because your grandma thinks I’m the coolest bloke on earth. I’m writing this piece because I’m the latest victim of cancel culture, and quite frankly, it’s bloody unfair to treat mega-rich people this way.
I’ve always believed that music should be kept free from politics, unless we’re talking about white kids in Ukraine. My concerts are sanctuaries where idiots lock arms while I sing about “pastries” and whatever other words I needed to make the song rhyme.
For years, I’ve been the world’s leading peddler of meaningless drivel, and until now, no one has dared point this out. This is because I’ve always seemed so harmless that it would be like punching a teddy bear.
But last week, my carefully crafted image was shattered when my friend of 13 years, Macklemore, decided to go on my stage and take a deeply hurtful position. He looked out at the kids in the crowd and uttered the shocking words: “All children deserve to live.”
As you can imagine, this hit me like a thunderbolt. Yes, Macklemore does this sort of thing every time he’s on stage, but I didn’t think he’d do it on my stage. I thought he understood my image needs to be protected more than anything else.
As a unifier, I occupy a sensible middle ground between children living and not living. You know the sort of thing I’m talking about—coma victims, kids getting amputations without anaesthetic, etc. I’m not automatically opposed to Israelis killing some children as long as they don’t kill too many. We wouldn’t want them to be disproportionate.
I just want a reasonable compromise, but Macklemore seems to think no children should be in comas or need amputations. He doesn’t even agree that Israel should’ve got a child-killing quota after 7 October.
Some of my stadium-owning friends told me that Macklemore’s point of view is inherently antisemitic. They gave me a choice: ditch my mate, or lose the venues. Naturally, I sided with the Epstein islanders. It was perfectly standard showbiz capitulation, yet somehow, the internet has decided that I am the villain.
As a result of my neutrality, my support acts dropped out of my tour, and even my backing band bailed on me. To make matters worse, my own family members ran to the press to explain that I’m a bit of a nob and my music is actually crap.
I was left so isolated that I had to walk into a stadium completely alone. I stood on stage in Philadelphia and told a massive crowd all about my suffering. My words came totally from the teleprompter, after going through a team of Zionist lawyers and the IDF Press Team. For some reason, people are saying that wasn’t heartfelt enough.
Things are so bad that my concert ticket prices have been cut in half. Meanwhile, Macklemore has been totally milking it. He’s gained about 7 million Instagram followers, whereas the only people still following me are hate-followers.
I turn my comments off every day now because people keep saying things like: “Hey Ed, your tattoos are crap” and “You’re living proof that gingers have no souls” and “We only have room for one shit artist in our life and we’ve chosen Macklemore.”
All this hatred, simply because I sacrificed someone to protect my mysteriously successful music career. Why the fuck would Macklemore do this to me? He wrote a whole song about Hind Rajab, but has he made a track about my suffering? No. And he’s had days now. Some friend he turned out to be.
It should be clear to any reasonable person that no one has suffered more than me since 7 October, apart from maybe Pink. All I ever wanted to do was write wedding songs for your most boring work mates and now I feel like I’ve been shot with 355 bullets.
***
Thank you for reading. You can check out the NIN newsletter here: normalisland.co.uk
Mike
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